just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
