he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Randomize
