so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Randomize
