Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize