this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize