you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Randomize
