Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Randomize
