if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I smell stomach acid.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I am naked and annoyed.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
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