I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Randomize
