i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize