I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
