I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Randomize
