4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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