if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
