dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
