I think I died a long time ago.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
