Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Randomize
