Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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