He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Randomize
