I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize