just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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