Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
smell my finger.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize