I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Randomize