why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Randomize
