If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
