So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I need to align my fucking chakras
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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