well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
The air was thick with penises
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
