No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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