She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
My bed smells like the plague
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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