why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
