We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Randomize
