I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
