my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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