Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
