: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I think I sprained my soul last night
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Randomize
