I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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