Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Randomize
