if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
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