im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
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