u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
