the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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