This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
