there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
A+ Viking dick
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
