life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize
