My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Randomize
