discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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