It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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