I think scott just propositioned me for sex
grandma shit on top of the toilet
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
