omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
