Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
