I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
