I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
