i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Randomize
