so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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