My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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