you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
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