If i come over, it means nothing
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
