Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
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